June 19: stop the world i want to get off
I'm in an ugh mood even though it's not an ugh day.
I just want everything to stop.
I want death to stop, I want the pain to stop, I want the hurt to stop, I
want the fear to stop, I want the indecisiveness to stop, I want the
illnesses to stop,
So, thursday nite after I go see Cloud Tectonics (which, ironically, is a
play about time stopping because of this woman) I had a message from my
mom. The funeral for one of my Aunt Mamies was being changed from Monday
to Friday. She didn't know what time, but she wanted to let me know if I
was going to be able to be there.
Yes, the change in date kinda messed up my whole planning schedule for the
next two weekends and the events that I would need to take care of.
So i called into work basically saying that I wouldn't be in yesterday. I
felt good about that even though I had people that I needed to call and
emails that I needed to check and all that good stuff.
And the questioning began:
should i go into work for a couple of hours, anyway?
should i sleep late and fill refreshed and alert?
should i try to come back to zebulon to sing at the game?
should i just forget about everything?
I ended up sleeping late and leaving around 11am to go home for the (what
i thought was to be) 3pm funeral.
It was weird being in my grandmother's house while she was away. No one
would even know that I had been there. But that is a total aside.
The funeral was not as bad as I expected it to be. I saw a lot of people
that I hadn't seen in a good 10 years or more. That was very strange
trying to revisit such childhood acquaintances.
Members of the family wanted me to sit with them during the service (this
particular Aunt Mamie was actually a family cousin who helped raise me as
a child and adolscent). But I just couldn't do it. I wanted to be
anywhere but in that church at that time. I wanted to be at the ballgame
preparing to sing the National Anthem.
*!*! I had called Caron to let her know that I probably wasn't going to be
at the game, but I didn't know if she had gotten my message. !*!*
So I left the church.
I was preparing to drive all the way back to Zebulon to sing at the
baseball game. I felt I had to, that it was my duty or something.
I got about 10 miles from the church and realized what a fucking idiot I
was. Regardless of the fact that it would have been impossible for me to
get there in time, I was missing out on the chance to say my last goodbye
to someone who had meant so much to me when I was a child.
I had turned my back on her about 15 years ago when she first became ill.
I didn't want to repeat that mistake again. I don't think I would have
been able to live with myself if I had kept going.
So I snuck into the back of the church so that no one would know that I
was there. I had to do this for me and not really out of some obligation
that I thought others were going to place on me because I was one of the
My mom stood up during the remarks and commented on me and our
realationship with Aunt Mamie. I'm glad that she didn't know that I was
there. I'm not sure why, but it made a difference with me.
I did end up walking out with the family, but I couldn't stay to see
My mom and I ended up going back home and going through a few of my
She had written all these diatribes listing people whom she no longer
liked and what the role of women in society was and how she was going to
budget her expenses over the next 100 years (yes she was planning on
living to the year 3000).
But the saddest part was a chronological listing of the number of times
that she had been raped (according to her count 5 times) and kicked out of
school (6) and other actions taken against her...since 1986. That was
the year that my mom and she moved from Virginia to North Carolina. We don't
know if any of these events are true. I know some are, but which ones. I
often wonder if they would have happened or if my sister would have turned
out this way if they had been able to stay away from Kannapolis.
We're going to turn the writings over to her Doctors.
My niece is now in foster care. I feel much better about that.
Performing is the only thing keeping me sane at the moment. Wheeee!