June 14: red pill revelations
This will be a dual-entry based upon The Matrix-induced feelings...
Sometimes I honestly feel like I'm making this shit up. No human being
could really go through the daily drama (kathleen) that is
stranger.than.fiction called my life.
I had incredible highs and stupendous lows this weekend and not even in a
manic-depressive sort of fashion, but more from events outside my control
which were thrown at me in a barrage of unrelated segues.
If you know me, I've probably told you about my sister. I love my sister,
but I don't know how to love my sister. I've never been what I considered
to be a good big brother to her (you know the ones that you read about in
books or are/have yourself). We were raised as only children and it was
generally only during her summer vacations when i actually got to spend
more than say three days with her.
my sister is certifiably crazy. She was misdiagnosed with Tourette's
syndrome when she was around 12 and had begun taking butcher knives to
school to ward off the kids who were bothering her. I don't think she
much liked having to move to North Carolina with my mom and the new people
that she had to deal with.
Now she has been diagnosed with several neurological disorders with
different medications and therapy sessions which she no longer takes nor
attends. And now she has a 10-11 month old child. My niece.
Saturday morning at 9am my mother calls me to inform me that Shana had
once again tried to kill my mother. She's attempted this several times in
the past either physically or with lethal weapons. This time is was a
knife and my mother had to flee the premises (her own house) and go stay
with her brother in Salisbury.
I get a call from my mother today. My sister's mother-in-law had not been
informed of the reasoning behind my sister's incarceration on saturday, so
promptly posted bail for her. My mom was still away from the house, so my
sister was able to go out to the church and while disrupting services,
told the congregation that she was going to burn the church down if they
didn't help her to find my mom. And this was not an idle threat. She has
a history of mild arson as well. She's intrigued by fire.
The hearings for my niece are this thursday. I'm torn and some would
probably even say cold-hearted nature. (a problem that I have is that I'm
not very in touch with certain key-emotions...my detachedness is one of
the few things i hate about being an aquarian). my mother is not
physically, financially, or emotionally able to raise another child. she's
just not. and certainly my sister shouldn't keep her. and her husband's
mother is NOT the child's grandmother...so that sorta takes her out of the
loop. I think the best solution would be to place her in foster care or
put her up for adoption. I know many others won't agree with me, but I
also believe in abortion, so what do i really know.
But that's not really the end of it. My mother also told me that my long
time babysitter/cousin/Aunt died this past weekend as well. I'm sure she
was 100 years old. She meant so much to me when I was a kid and I really
failed her as she grew older, sicker, frailer and I grew more distant and
self-absorbed. I grew up with too many moms. She is one that I loved
dearly but time made me forget things that I shouldn't have. I have not
laid eyes on her in almost 10 years because she lived in a nursing home,
and was ill, and forgot who people were. And I am ashamed of myself for
abandoning her. though I do have the memories of her when she was
vibrant and alive and healthy and loving...and not when she shat herself
occassionally and couldn't speak. I'm going to her funeral on monday.
You have chosen to eat the red pill...what lies above is nothing but the
Performing is the only thing keeping me sane at the moment. Wheeee!