April 7: ponderings on singing
to hearsay or not to hearsay...that is the question.
i'm not out of the group yet...just sorta been put "on call" so to speak.
I've got to stop with these self-fulfilling prophecies. someone
mentioned to me that they were reading a book about controlling your
subconscious and making only positive statements about events in your
life. and that those positive events would surely happen.
I need to work on that something fierce.
It's funny because i was having a discussion with my aunt just this
past weekend regarding self-prophecy and negativism.
Apparently, I was very negative and had a pessimistic outlook on life since i was a mid-teen.
Whodathunk?
I didn't see myself as negative back then
(actually i saw myself as really pollyannic and naive)
but she and my grandmother use to talk about me a lot and try to
figure out if i was going to commit suicide or something.
That was a definite smack into reality. To know that people
thought I was capable of killing myself. Makes that time that I
actually tried to to seem sort of anti-climatic.
So I have to be more aware of what I'm feeling about myself and
saying aloud to others.
I'm not sure when I acquired this defeatist attitude that I have about my life and myself,
but I've got to change before it really does eat me up inside.
I mean when I the email message from our prez today about call me,
I had the feeling that she was going to ask me to leave the group or
say that they decided that I should leave (and this comes from past
experience with another group -- I didn't just pull it out of the air).
But why should i have illated that from an email?
Why couldn't she have simply wanted to tell me about how the rehearsal went last nite
(though I'd asked that question online and not a single person replied to me today,
so that was a gloomy forecast from early this morning)?
So my heart was doing the flip-flops and all that go along with my
anxities about confrontations. ugh.
but i'm glad that we did talk. I was able to get some things off my chest as well.
it's funny how the leaders of the group don't know that they are
the leaders and feel like their opinions aren't being heard.
THEN WHO THE HELL IS DOING ALL THE TALKING, i wonder.
So i'm no longer the musical director. i'm trying to make myself okay
with that. but i love titles so much that it's clouding my judgement
in so many other avenues of thought that i'm feeling really crippled at the moment.
argh.
eris was correct in some of the things she's said to me in the past
about the whole situation.
sometimes i need to take her more seriously.
Tell all your friends to join the list. tee hee.
Merry Wives of Windsor opens on Friday. yay!
See that's a start.
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