My Life is under construction

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The attempt to silence a man is 
the greatest honor you can bestow on him. 
It means that you recognize 
his superiority to yourself.

óJoseph Sobran

11-23-98: it's a culture club kinda day..


w00 this is me in a nutshell... boy george 0~"i just want to be loved."~0 that's a simply statment isn't it. 6 words. but that is probably the hardest human concept to achieve. because you become so dependent on the other. if there is no other then there is really no love involved. yes, you have to love yourself, but loving yourself doesn't keep you warm at nite. ~shut up josh~ i read my porno and then i move on. what kind of life is that. i mean all i want is some simple human contact. i think it's why i latched on to nimnod so readily and eventually drove him away. here was this guy who licked me. Me!!!!! and i couldn't believe it. but he wasn't anything that i was interested in for a partner. i mean almost nothing. well, he had a pulse and and a package, but damn there's more to a relationship than that. ugh. the only problem i'm facing right now is the fact that if someone was interested in me, i would probably push them away again. i have such a negative self-image that it's hard to fathom the concept of someone else wanting to be with me. so i perpetuate the cycle of not looking for anyone because no one would be interested anyway. i need to break free. but i've seen you naked already. nimnod at one of my old apartments. i was getting dressed and asked him to leave the room. i couldn't bear the thought of "but this is with the lights on." speaking of...josh is going to be in north carolina in three days. 3 days. i haven't talked that much or really at all about the fact that josh is moving "back home." that back home meaning north carolina and eventually the triangle. it's going to be strange having him this close. there are two trains of thought that i'm having on the situation both of which i truly believe and one which is undoubtedly going to get my in trouble, just like everything else i do. i'm glad as hell that he's getting a new start on life. you should Read the latest sassafras to see how he's contemplating the move and what it means for him. i'm glad that he's going to be closer and that i'll get a chance to see him more. this past year and a half have been truly extraordinary. i had not known someone of josh's ilk. he is truly truly a godsend and a very special person and someone that i'm happy to have in my life. the fact that he is going to be very near me makes me do the happy dance. okay stephen's irking me, but he knows he's doing it....argh. but anyway that's the rub. right now it's a special event to go see josh. there's an added flair to seeing and making a "trip" out of now. soon josh will be virtually right next door. i don't know what that means except i hope we don't end up seeing too much of each other so that we become complacent in our relationship. it's what has happened between me and eris...and we're are working on it getting it back to the better level. so yeah i'm also scared. "welcome home, baby." okay washed my bathtub this weekend...and hung out with becca (member of thv and fraternity brother) and lynne (former lorelei and fraternity brother). both events were enjoyable if you can believe that. my tub needed scrubbing and so that's what i did. and then i got that new shower stuff from tilex where you spray it on after every shower and it's supposed to keep it clean for you. w00. i felt exhilirated, like i was actually accomplishing something. anyway. i ended up not seeing gross indeceny nor the shania twain concert. due to some incredible misfortunes. i signed up for the wrong time to usher GI on friday nite and then on sunday when i was supposed to do it, they had put down the wrong time to be there and i didn't get the page for the correct time until after the show was over and i was headed out the door to the theatre. on saturday, the ST concert was another matter. it's called capitalism. the company saw that they could make more money by selling these tickets to the sold out concert. so we got stiffed. oh well. it looks like i'll be going to the duke game or something perky like that. but not going to the concert did give the chance to hang with lynne and becca. i haven't spent enough time with becca...and i think lynne is feeling the old fogey route so she and i are hanging more. and it meant that i didn't have to go to the Scottish play on campus. i heard it was not-so-good...which i wasn't in the mood for a not-so-good long-ass shakespearen extravagnza. and i didn't have to go see beloved. now mind you i want to see beloved and will be going to see it with lynne soon (it's her favorite book), but i was in the mood for jolity on saturday nite. and beloved is not a jolly time. so we went to daryll's and ate. hmmmmm. yesterday. i end up getting 6 new cds. cast recordings, a soundtrack and a solo album to be extact. i love barnes and noble. they should give me stock ;-) but anyway i'm now the owner of the new st. louis woman with vanessa l. williams, merrily we roll along OBC, the prince of egypt with STOKES, christianne noll's cd, and bubblin' brown sugar. i listened to them all today at work. i don't think that any are going to become mainstays in my cd player, but they are worth having. i've got to get idina's cd and the cast recording of violet on my next go-round. and does anyone know about putting plastic up around your windows. help me. later. again thank you cameron please visit her page. we share a bond.

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