10-23-98: one degree of seperation
I get closer and closer to this event really effecting my life more than I needed it
to at the moment.
So I'm sitting at home last night after a day at work and rehearsal and i begin reading
one of our weekly newspapers, The Independent. There is a picture of Matthew Shepard
on the cover. Since the paper comes out on wednesday, i'm giving them the benefit of
the doubt that their coverage is new and not simply a rehash of the media circus that
became hategate all of last week.
I was not prepared in the least for what i was about to read in the paper.
The article was a description of Matthew and a telling of one aspect of his life through his friends.
the article had a definite North Carolina angle. well, not even just a north carolina angle,
the paper had a decidedly RALEIGH angle. apparently matthew spent the past two years living in
north carolina (raleigh in particular and durham at times) when he was going to therapy at Duke
University, before moving back to Laramie and going to college.
Living three blocks from the university is interesting enough, but that's not where the 1 degree
comes into play.
I finished reading the article and the name j sch--d was strewn periodically through the article.
j was supposedly one of his best friends while Matt lived in North Raleigh and went to Legends and
shopped at Crabtree Valley Mall and Cary Towne Center.
sco--d, scho--d, sco--d, i wondered why that name sounded so familiar. to me. and then i realized that
it was the last name of this actor friend of mine whose work i really admire. what a coincidence.
But then after reading the entire article the thought struck. i had had this type of conversation with
a person that i met at work several months ago. about the last name sco--d. was my actor-friend his
cousin or something. and it was. but again that isn't the point of connection between matthew and myself.
The coworker that i was having this discussion with was j sco--d. the j sco--d who's best friend was just
recently brutally mudered because of his sexual orientation.
I had to take a moment (thanks "the biscuit") and reflect on what j must be going through at the moment and
the implications weighed on me heavily last nite.
So the friend connection has forced me to start thinking about my friend jeremy who was murdered last year by
his lover (yeah i could get sued for slander because it hasn't been proven). that was been probably one of the
most furstrating experiences in my life. here was someone so full of vim that he felt indestructible and we all
thought he was a well. he was going to succeed in life simply because he was jeremy and life was good to him that
And then brad. i can't even begin to discuss what happened to brad. i can begin to understand why some of my friends
are afraid of driving. you have absolutely no control over the driving ability of the other people. a freak accident
ending the life of my fraternity brother who was about to take over the world.
I wanted to talk about something else today, but i can't remember what that is at this point in time. ah me....
good to know that i can always come back and update.
Well, i still haven't thought about what else i had planned on writing about today. but alas, many other things just
naturally pop into my head.
I just feel like crying now. i do some of the most financially stupid things in the world. so with this accident I now
have to pay at least $800 of my own money because of it. and i haven't gotten any news on remuneration from state farm
and i know that there are some hidden costs about to spring up on my allstate account that i'll have no control over. i
just feel like crying and telling people that you can't pull any fucking more blood out of this turnip. the fiscal
irresponsibility trail that i burned during my undergraduate career is beginning to wreck it's completest havoc yet and
i really don't know what to do.
Back in '96 this was about the time that i began contemplating suicide which i trade to carry through later that decemeber.
i don't think i'm at that point in my life again...but i will say that everything seems so fucking hopeless at this point
that i don't know which way to turn.
I don't have anyone that i can talk to about this. my father is such a fucking prick, his advice will be "go to your account
and have him work some of this out." MY ACCOUNTANT. i mean how fucking buppie has his black ass become that he could even
think that is temping ass faggot of a son has an accountant. i guess i better call in my stock broker and have her cash in
those microsoft stocks that i was holding onto in the meantime.
And i can't talk to my grandmother, i mean she only knows the cursory things that i tell her because she has enough going on
in her life trying to deal with her shiftless son, my uncle. i mean the man stole about $10, 000 from my grandmother and
the family thinks that I DID IT. I mean what the fuck. if i stole $10K would my ass still be in the shithole that it is
now. but noone even question if jeff may have done it. maybe that's why i still can't speak to that side of my family
with anything important. i'm sure they all have the poor nigger trash image of me anyway...so my problems would just
solidfy that mental picture of me. good god.
And don't even think about my mom. i don't know if she even has a home to stay in. i can't call her because there is jack
that i can do at this moment to solve any of her problems...and that would just make me feel more worthless than i already
do regarding her whole situation. so, i guess i have you guys.
woopie....thanks for caring....i'm going to get a tissue.