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having my cake and eating it too!

lookee there. back to back entries. go me. and all of this after crying myself to sleep last nite. you don't want to know why... to continue the birthday front. it was pretty harried. i told you about the friday nite debacle which i liked to have called a rehearsal. if jon had been there i actually believe he would have been lynched. egads it was bad. so i was given this what i thought was a monumental task of talking to jon and letting him know what was up (which i didn't quite do--you know how i hate conflict) but i did get must of the point across...and we have a new script--the ultimate needed outcome. so me being the hyperbolic and avoidance behaviored self that I am, I was dreaded the upcoming meeting between jon and myself. what a way to begin a birthday celebration. i literally did not want to wake up the next day so that i could avoid the situation. no, it's not healthy and I DID WAKE up, just so that i could prove to myself that i could do it. and yes, i did know that i had blown everything way out of proportion. i knew that the meeting wouldn't be as hard/stressful/destructive as my mind played it out to be. and it wasn't. jon was very receptible to what i was saying the whole project boiled down to a lack of astute understanding of the what we wanted to accomplish with this performance. we're good to go now, but we have less than less time in order to accomplish it. xxfingersxx! so on to the birthday. i tried to call josh several times and eris to find out what the plans for that night were going to be. because of peanut gallery planning and luck...the trip had to be canceled. but we were going to have the dinner and a video party anyway as i had asked for a couple of days before they told me about the possiblity of a DC trip. I WAS IN A FOUL mood. i had searched for jon all day in the rain so that we could have the talk and he could get his a$$ to working on the "new" script. and of course he was no where to be found. so the pressure was mounting because the women were going to rewrite the script themselves if jon didn't do it. and as the hours passed so did the mounting fear that i had that jon would be totally devasted by this revelation that we thought his script sucked. he's a semifamous playwright on campus and that has to be a blow to someone's ego. unbeknowst to me, he thought it sucked as well and didn't know how to approach us to let us know that he felt that way and needed help changing it to something new and better. so walking around in the rain, smoking the first cigarette that i had in almost 2 weeks, the gnashing stomach churns that i get when faced with adversity, and the fact that i had to pay for a dinner on my birthday that i didn't really want...put me in the perfect mood to be with josh and eris later that nite. i apologized to josh about my actions and behavior on saturday nite and he said that he hadn't seen anything really worng with me other than the fact that i was really quiet maybe i'm getting better at hiding my annoyances. eris' sister's birthday is the day before mine. so it ended up being a joint (oh i wish) party/dinner. that was cool. i hadn't seen eris' sister in a long time. she and eris are very different, yet very similar. sisterhood is odd that way. the dinner started late. late. late. and by the time we started eating, i was really in no mood too. my hunger had subsided because partial the jon angst was still there because i had only seen him for a couple of minutes earlier and he was going to be busy working on something else to devote time to really correct the script and i knew how that was going to go over with the chicas. but the food was good. and lots of it. i meant to take some of the lasagna home so that i'd have lunch to eat at work where i could really enjoy it, but alas my sleepy dumba$$ forgot at 3AM when i left josh's apartment to take the food with me. belly rubs are fun only if you want them to be... well i had an interview on monday for the permanent position that's available in our office. i went relatively well. but she still has another interviewee on wednesday. and will make her decision on thursday. i was okay with the pace until today. i had a gruelling interview for this other department today. it's a basic admin position (ironically though a pay raise) and is a temp (long term) assignment (i mean year plus type deal). and they offered me the position about an 1.5 after i had the interview with them. they are basically tired of looking for someone. so my conscience is preying on me. because i know the situation that they were in (desparation and exasperation) in looking for an employee...and they do have someone else in mind for the position, that if i accept the job and then get this perm job, it's going to wreak havoc with my karma. and me being the wishy-washy decision maker that i am, it's making me a little ill. but i know that i'm going to accept it and then turn it down (IF) i get this other job offer. it's what being a contract employee is all about. they could have done it to me at any point in time and not blink an eyelid (and it happened to me on the second assignment that i had here at gw) i shouldn't feel too bad doing it to them. partially they shouldn't be so picky who they hire. i mean damn one look at my resume would have told them that i stay at assignments for a long time and don't run away or not show up on a regular basis. topics, topics, topics. OH and the concert is now on. We got a venue for the competition, April 2, I'll be in Baltimore hosting the Southern Regional Showcase of NCCA. I'm excited. DAMN. see y'all tomorrow. the clock waits for no one. even if you are on TeKaytime.