10-11-98: life is a carousel
i just found out today...that one of my fraternity brothers was
recently diagnosed with cancer. i don't know what i'm feeling at the moment
and i can't talk to him about it because he didn't tell me. i'm feeling sort
of helpless at the moment. he's not as close to me as i am to him, but this
situation just shouldn't happen to someone who's in the prime of his life.
i don't even know all of the details at the moment. i was given the "he has cancer"
"some laceration on his neck" version of the story from two other fraternity brothers who
aren't dealling with the situation well either.
i haven't had to deal with this sort of situation in my life since i was fourteen.
my grandmother died from a cardiac arrest which was brought on by her ovarian cancer.
how do you approach someone to let them know that you care? i feel my emotional devoid
wall creeping back into place. the polyanna complex that i had a couple of years ago
when real tragedy just didn't affect me at all for the most part. i could cry
at a sappy commercial, but not when i visited a sick friend. everything was
peaches and sunshine.
i haven't had anyone really close to me be truly sick {yeah heather's situation doesn't
count at all} since my grandfather died in my arms from his umpteenth heart attack.
i don't want to think that i am blowing this all out of proportion and that it's really a
simple skintype cancer that can be operated on and be done with. i don't know if what i'm
thinking or feeling at the moment is me being my overly pessimistic,
fearing-for-the-worse self, or if i'm completly whitewashing the situation and the boy is
really sick (well i know he's really sick, but you understand what i'm saying.)
i guess i should just wait until the news is officially given to me and see what my heart
and mind tells me to do then.
had a pretty good talk with natedog today. i love nate, but i'm not in love with him.
he's been through some ups and downs and it's really good to simply have a friendship
with someone that's not taxing. he's an egoist supreme who's been tamed
severly by his current boyfriend, fx. i mean people can't believe how
p-whipped natedog has become. he was something of a rover when he first came out.
and now he's been faithful to one person for over a year. good god. what has the world come to?
we talked about a current crush of mine, but in not so overt terms. i had to figure out
what's up with joeycakes. he's now out as a bisexual and natedog is just biding time for him to realize the truth.
we all think that joeycakes is stringing brenda along, but
hey who are we to judge him for what he has to do. he's 20.
but natedog is yet another person to confirm the "relationship" that joeycakes and willsmith had during the heyday of HAIR.
oh what a tangled web that was. in a definitive your word against mine situation, willsmith denies that he ever had a sexual
relationship with him. but everyone knows it is the truth, at
least part of it anyway. the issue that grips me the most is
that if you are trying to be so covert about an operation then
WHY IN THE HELL WOULD YOU HAVE SEX with someone whom your share
mutual relations. that seems most idiotic to me. i mean i need
to talk to jasme about it and/or holly to see what they think.
what a tangled sex tale that would uncover.
and yes the reason that i'm writing about this in the journal
and dredging up this topic again is because i am completely and
utterly hung up on joeycakes. i thought i was over this but i'm not.
ugh, sometimes sexual crushes can be so debilitating. we all know that
he's down with the swirl, which is a major plus for me...but my own
self-esteem/defamation issues are more than i can handling at the moment.
everyone knows i'll simply pine away for him and do nothing about the crush
except let it eat me up inside like all of the other ones that i have.
something has got to improve before i go completely stark raving mad.
apparently i hadn't spoken to my grandmother in three months. i just refuse to believe that is true.
i've never gone that long without speaking to her before in my life. but whatever. she and my dad
stopped by two weekends ago while i was in rehearsal (our cousin trent recently got married in richmond)
and they stopped by the townhouse. i knew they were coming and told my dad to page me when they came
to town becuase i would be in rehearsal. did he page? no. did my roommate tell me that they stopped by? no.
fuck em all. i wish i could be more close to my family.
i spent the entire day with  this woman on saturday. i mean the entire day.
we had never done that before. and i found out that my crush for her hasn't completely left.
she and her boyfriend are on the separtion anxiety kick at the moment because he's in TX and she's not.
that just made me want her more...but she doesn't love me "in that way." neither does jac, but we won't go
into that situation right now.
yep, lisa came to see my show yesterday at 10:30am...gotta love friends will do that for you (thanks caren and jen)
and then we went for "coffee" at cup-a-joe's because there was football game yesterday in the city and parking would
be hellacious. so we went to timberlyne shopping center. well, lisa then decided that she was hungry and we wanted
to eat lunch. it was between jj's deli and mama's pizza. we opted for the pizza place after a long discussion and
money consideration. calzone, eggplant parmesgian, ceasar salad and canjun fries is what we shared. hmm hmm good.
and then we sat there and talked and talked and talked (and smoked) and talked.
she's understudying mama rose in pauper player's production of Gypsy and i'm going to be her acting/vocal coach.
so we talked about a lot of issues that are in our lives at the moment. one of the first heart2hearts we've had
in a long time. so five hours later as we were still backing in the sun so had moved around to the picnic benches
at joe's...she wanted to go see this move PI, but didn't want to pay for it.
we thought about sneaking in several times, but then gave up on the idea.
i decided that we should go work TEMPEST that nite at the theatre. and she agreed. so i
went to Wal-mart to buy a pair of black pants and she went off to a crafts fair because
she told her roommate and next-door-neighbor that she would go (the neighbor was the music-coordinator
and has been really nice to her the past few weeks).
so i get to the theatre first and find that the usher board is completely full. but who cares. i sign our names up
anyway and wait for lisa. the house manager is so confused when she comes to do the spiel. "wait there are 11 people here
and there's only supposed to be 10." i laugh. she even goes to the sign up sheet and comments "yep there are 11 people signed up."
oh good god woman get a clue. anyway the show is completely soldout and so the thought of us getting seats is looking slim.
well. due to some fortuitiousness...lisa and i endup on row f in the center seats. i mean the most prime seats in the house.
i can be so lucky sometimes.
the show wasn't terrible but it wasn't the most exciting thing that i've ever seen either.
tazewell thompson (a nyc director who i adore) brought in some racial undertones and
colonialism to shakespeare's work that i hadn't thought about. caliban was played by a
black guy who used an "islander" accent and ariel was played by an asian-american woman.
so the slaves were "minorities" (i'm thinking about taking that word out of my vocabulary which is why it's in quotes).
the show was simply boring. saw joeycakes, kate, and fx during and after the show as they are on the running crews this semester.
so after 12 hours lisa and i parted ways for good until i see her tonight. it was definately an experience.
and here i am waiting for the rehearsals and things that i am going to attend tonight. i may even go to the psi meeting briefly.
welp, good day all....
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