June 21: this is the sound of silence
It was a pretty rough weekend from all looks of the matter.
Yesterday I was supposed to go to a "Vision Meeting" to discuss the
future of the Somnambulist Project (I'll eventually provide a link
we have some many "official sites") and whether or not we were going
to accept the Magoo's vision of the company of their dreams. Wide Awake.
I won't go into discussing the theatre concept at the moment. I'm still
too close to it.
But I just couldn't make myself go. The events for the weekend had made
me too raw and vulnerable to emotions and stress. and i knew that it
was going to be a very stressful type of meeting (and i later found out
that i was correct). i don't even know how much i want to be involved
with the company after this season is over. especially if it becomes
another children's theatre company. i really do have enough of that sort
of drama with Jelly. (to lazy to link that one to their site.)
So i hate in my house all day...fretting about not going to the meeting
(yep i'm always tackling the whole guilt complex). and playing those
dumb games that i'm always playing with myself regarding situations
where i don't want to commit.
I did get loads of laundry done...so in a way it felt good because I
accomplished some mundane task. But damn if it didn't take me 7 hours to
accomplish anything.
I felt lethargic and the feeling of hebetude and ennui were hitting me hard.
It wasn't a depression but more a feeling of helplessness. Who was I to not
be changing the world at every possible moment that I could.
I put off calling my dad to wish him a happy father's day until the last
possible moment. which was a good thing. he and the stepmother were about
to head for ... okay brace yourself because i wanted to stick my hand through
the phone and smack him ... FRANCE for a two week vacation.
My father works for an airline company and so has travelled the globe for most
of his life. I've gotten exactly one free airplane ticket out of the
whole deal. you know how some people can travel. well not me, because
unfortunately, i'm a bastard (i don't even remember if his name is on my
birth certificate) so there was no familial ties to him, so i couldn't
reap his benefits either.
and the fucker is going to FRANCE. oh my Oh MY! i handling it well.
So i head out to boston market (yummy yummy) for my food for the day.
it was the only time that i let my house. and settle back in to call my
mom.
guess what?
she'd sat at home all day as well and didn't go to any of the places that
she was supposed to go to either. and only left the house to get something
to eat.
like mother like son...we are way to similar.
My mom is a big wig in church and for her not to go meant that she didn't want
to deal with reality any more than i did. so in a sense i felt validated
because i was sharing some pain with her and she was understanding it.
I love my mom. Now, i just wish i could tell her that i was gay. we're
close, but not that close (though i still think deep down inside she knows.
I was still planning on going with here to the courthouse to discuss my sister's
case. I didn't want to, but I knew that I needed to be there for her.
la. (silent l, silent a)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Extra:
my mother has released me from going to the courthouse tomorrow
to stand in at my sister's hearing.
apparently everything is all worked at and my sister should be going to an
adult home.
la.
Performing is the only thing keeping me sane at the moment. Wheeee!
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