10-20-98: grab that brass ring and take the trip again...
I thought i was over the matthew shepard thing until i read this journal
entry today. gives you something to think about. the biblical references of matthew and shepard together
does give an eerie nostradamus feel to everything. and the coinciding with National Coming Out Week. argh.
just food for thought. i can't afford to get angry today.
I feel like i'm living my life over. not in some great cosmic reincarnation, but
the ugly cyclic life of depression and angst with no backing.
I'm feeling lonely. I mean just pure total isolation from everyone in the world. I feel
like no one wants to be near me...even when they say they do. I feel like I don't have
any friends who just want to be and talk to me because I'm me. And it's the here and now
physicality of a person that i think I am missing the most.
I'm not talking about josh and eris. I strongly think that I'm their friend and that they
are, but even so the locale is still a problem. josh is in dc and eris is in raleigh.
and eris has seemed to become more distant...first i thought it was because I sent her
the email describing what a best friend meant to me, and she didn't want to fulfill that
job description anymore.
I know that she's been busy planning trips and visiting with her family. her younger sister (the third
child) is in town for a few days and they are spending a lot of time together. hell, if i liked
my family better than I do, I would probably be doing the same thing if they came to my town.
But it hit me this weekend that I really and truly am lonely in most occassions for the word. I don't
have any friends really who live in durham (though i guess i could start hanging with Ed if i wanted to.)
but that would be a real stretch. most of it is my fault with the Chapel Hill snobbery that I maintain
even while living in durham. it's just so hard letting go of a place that shaped your life in so many ways
that you can't even remember the person you were before you moved there. that's what chapel hill/carrboro mean
to me.
not to say that there aren't opportunities for me to find friends in the city. hello, this ENFP should be able
to do a simple task like meeting new people. jason and amy and karen live only a couple of streets down from me.
jason (he and amy were in HAIR and karen is a fraternity brother and amy and i sang in a jazz group for two years)
said that we should start hanging out more...but we're both busy. i even called them over the weekend to see if
someone wanted to go to francesca's, but not a single one of them called me back. such is life.
and actually, i think patsy wants to be my friend. he invited me to his dinner party the other nite, but i'm still
having issues with taking over other people's friends because it has happened to me so often that i don't want to
be the purveyour of that kind of experience on anyone else. and it's funny...superleroy and i are still trying to
develop some kind of roommate friendship that i find fascinating. it really makes me laugh out loud sometimes.
But i really just don't know what it is. I would love to be in a relationship at the moment, but that doesn't seem
likely either...nimnod hasn't called me back and if i can't meet people as friends...how the hell am i going to be
able to meet someone whom I actually want to sleep with and let them know that. my fear of rejection and self-loathing
take care of that.
have i reached a tangent yet?
and anyway i stood up eris on saturday because i was just too out of it to go the legends. but it all came
crashing down on sunday to the point that i really just wanted to do something in durham. something local.
i didn't go to the tori amos concert. jacq stood me up on sunday, but i don't think really...she called me
around 5 or 6 something, but i had already left to go get something to eat and then decided to go to the
somnambulist meeting and then to the library to check email and read journals...but i guess i need to chronicle
the weekend.
FRIDAY
okay got my car back late friday...i owe a shitload of money to various places and i don't know how to get any of
it from the other insurance company. this part of my life is a wreck. I want to be able to hire other people to work
for me and handle all business aspects of my life and soon. if not, i would be surprised if i didn't wind up in jail
soon or else out on the streets. shirking financial responsibilities and not making waves has become my best avocation.
i'm truly genius at it.
I honestly can't remember what I did friday nite. I mean no clue what-so-ever.
SATURDAY
the show went well on saturday morning...we actually had a nice size audience and i was able to create some fun
moments with my character.
So Spencer came to see the green man. he's currently working on a show with a former acquaintence of mine.
i may be doing some tech work for them over the weekend. He just quit the current show that he was doing for
Burning Coal Theatre called Einstein's Dreams. I do hope I get cast in their third show.
I mean how exciting could it be to work for a new york (and a real one this time) director. ahhh the mind churns. tangent...
Spencer now understands the way i felt about not being in melvin the pelican. you really miss working for jelly and actually
feeling special.
so jacq and ed and i went to the mall to get something to eat. i just needed an outing if you know what i mean. so we ate
at the food court. of course eveything turned sexual...so we had to talk about big butts, one-nite-stands, the length
(oh see there) of time you would wait before sleeping with someone. i don't know if ed knows that i'm bisexual so i kept the
pronouns vague just in case. i had the prude/whore award....i spoke with someone for a month and then slept with him on
our first date. hee haw. whatever.
then did a slight mall tour with them, and then another one on my own after they left. went home to get ready for the
sleepy awards of the sonambulist project {you remember them don't you....check out my first two archives if you don't}.
i hadn't eaten much of anything that day and thought for some reason that there would be "food" at this event. there
were chips and dips, but no food. and a lot of pot. but that's for later.
anyway the party like all parties and award ceremonies were filled with drama. and i mean drama...people not
knowing what's going on and knowing what's going on. we had yet another round of judging for the sleepy awards...and
we were giving our recognition awards. I got the award for the hottest air. hmmmm, someone had to explain to me that
it was in reference to the farts i made on stage. yeah right. like i say before, i love double entendre.
i volunteered to be the tabulator with jiminy crispy for the official nominated awards. i had voted twice in the rounds...
because hey, i'd already voted twice before (but i don't think those counted). so it was no big deal. you know what?
I won an award and not even one that i thought i had a chance for...(meaning that my ballot stuffing had no effect, i still beat
the nearest person by 5 votes so my extra one didn't do anything. that made me feel kinda special becuase you know i look for
adoration, i can't help it and to think that people see me as a good listener, i mean that says a whole lot. psychology anyone,
nozee bitch anyone, journalist,...hey though even sarah said that about me the first time i did a jelly show. she said that i
was an excellent listener on stage. wow. cyclic, i tell you.
michael smith swept awards he didn't even know he was up for...i think it was a backlash against megan on some parts
and the fact that she wasn't there. michael unselfishly gave to be a part of our show the day i missed. i can't say the
same for megan at all. at all.
so we're smoking and drinking cider and champagne and i find out about this performance party on friday that i'm invited to,
as well as the meeting that happened on sunday.
i call eris repeatedly saying that i am going out and then i start feeling a little queasy at the party (the lack of food and
the drugs kinda took effect). and so had to call her and say i wasn't coming. partially it was i reeked of alcohol and maryjane,
the state game and state fair (meaning state troopers) were in das effect, and i couldn't bare seeing 100s of gorgeous men not give
me the time of day again in the fragile state that i was in. debilitating.
SUNDAY
okay after sleeping for an exhorbitantly amount of time (2:00AM to 1:15pm) I decided that sunday was going to be a waste.
I hadn't heard from jacq regarding the Tori concert (which was only an hour long and $30--egads). so i putzed around the
house and did some cursory cleaning. the whole i am friendless issue came to a head then. i just wanted to do something in
durham and i know no one in the city. argh. argh. argh. i go out to boston market to eat becuase i'm addicted to that place and
then decide to go ahead to the sonambulist meeting because it was almost 8pm (the meeting started at 5pm) and i could probably find out
from dan and anne-marie where richard and scottie had gone. well surprise surprise the meeting was still going on and people who i thought
would be there, weren't.
this summer may have actually seen the end of the sonambulist project. that would be bad. it's trying to regroup now,
so i guess i get to (re)start my fourth theatre company in the area. i'm actually looking forward to it. sometimes intelligent
conversations are just so inspiring and some of the people in this group are the most intelligent people whom i've ever met.
we'll see....
okay this has gotten hella long...so if you want to keep reading about the events and the true tuesday entry... read the
addendum to my day...
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