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March 15: Nerds Fucking

slowly trying to get back in the swing. stop the madness... That line still suffices. I got an eyeful last night that I really didn't need to witness. No, not that eyeful, though it came awfully close. Apparently superleroy has a new beau. That is just great. Last night as I walked in the door simply wanting to make a bowl of soup and perchance a peanut butter and jelly sandwich to eat so that I could take my medicine I see...superleroy with his legs wrapped around someone as they were snuggling on the couch. As my eyelids burst into flame and I bid a hasty retreat to my hovel upstairs where I would be "safe" the electronica music (drum and bass, natch) was thumping downstairs. AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH! His name is Tony. How appropos, since he looks exactly like the guy from Eastenders who came out this season (whose name is also Tony). I remained in my room until I heard the tell-tale "supernellie" signal. My roomie's highpitched squeal that he calls laughter. It meant that they had detangled themselves and were watching television (no doubt the aforementioned Eastenders). I was introduced in the non-Emily Post manner as I stuck my hand out for a shake to which I was greeted with "excuse me if i don't get up." Please oh Please don't get up. Nothing Nothing should be up....Nothing. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ And of course the only reason that I'm mentioning this is because I'm jealous as hell. I have been alone for 28 years of my 28 years of existence (the time being with Nimnod nonewithstanding). I've never been in a serious relatioship with anyone. And that's a part of my battle with depression. And I truly that reprehensible that no man or woman would want to be with me? I think to think so which isn't good for my self-worth and it causes me to think about all those things that I could do to change myself, so that I can fit in and be more "whatever" that the community I'm in now is looking for in a mate. But all I do is think. I don't change anything. My weight may fluctuate by 5 pounds, but that's it. There is no buff toned abs, bulging "potato," cafe au lait skin, unending money. I'm not trying to self-pity myself too much these days. I fall into the trap every now and then, but I just can't make myself believe that someone is interested in me or could be interested in me. Nimnod was there because he's a black chubby chaser. It wasn't me that he was interested in, but what physical characteristics I fit in his pyschosis. And when the inner material didn't congeal with the outer shell, he bolted. I'm swimming in it right now. So we'll see how long superleroy's relationship lasts this time (It's been a week so far as I've surmised this was the boy that he was naughty with last weekend). Performing is the only thing keeping me sane at the moment. Wheeee!