My Life is under construction

DISCLAIMER: in the time i have allotted today i will not be able to update or even discuss this whole weekend. so you get a synopsis for today. time keeps ticking ticking and i've thought about it, and it's not a need to update or to let poeple know what's going on in my life...this past weekend was truly so monumental that I want to be able to go back and remember it. and since i'm very word/aural centered instead of visually centered...this is the best thing to help the memories.

9-25-98: this is my last cigarette~kdlang

i bought a pack of cigarettes yesterday. i only wanted one, but there is no where you can go and just buy one cigarette. so of course i smoked three and felt terrible last nite, i have asthma and am allergic to too much poultry and of course that's all i eat being a southern black man. chicken chicken chicken. so yeah i had pains today and last nite... um, okay so possibly another 2 weeks to fix my car. i have to call my insurance company about this car rental thing. argh argh argh. i want to cry about it, but i won't. apparently there is major suspension damage. argh, i don't even know what that means except that possibly they aren't going to fix all of it and i'm shit out of luck. i can't think about it right now. still haven't heard anything about either job. well that's just fine and dandy. harmpf. please let there be something good that i can talk about today. it's not coming to me right now, but i still have a couple of hours before i have to leave it's possibly. see you guys in a while.

9-24-98: FUCK my fist

so matt's apparently not going to email me back. i think i'm okay with that. i'll either see him on saturday and pretend that nothing happened...or i won't and pretend that nothing happened. or we'll see each other saturday and he'll want to have wild passionate sex in one of the bathrooms in the club before he leaves town on saturday. it could happen/but would i want that.... i can answer you that before you go in a tizzy. NO. I wouldn't. I'm much to conservative for those trysts that you read about. The thought of tearoom sex abhors the hell out of me. and i recently found out that a friend of mine is a vid-boother. egads. egads. egads. in fact there has to be interest for me beyond even the purely physical is intimacy is to happen. Now i can kiss someone after a 3 second meeting...but anything beyond that takes time. sometimes a lot. sometimes not so much. i'll even level with you. I'm a technical virgin in many ways. I've never had sex with a woman. that's something i've regretted a lot. especially since i do still find women attractive. and i've only "been" with one man. and there was no penile/anal intercourse because i wasn't prepared on the several occassions that we got together. i think if i ever do see him again that it'll happen...just because i need it to now. and not because he's the one. i don't even feel like going into the rest of that conversation with myself that i just tried to start. ugh. the song "when will i be loved" is a mantra. argh. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* i think i made a friend today. hey barb. i enjoyed conversing with you regarding tls/greg/and coming out. we will definately talk again soon. thank you muchly for being there. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* still haven't heard from the job people yet either. and i put my application in with this company called comdisco. it would be a real computer job. (yikes that scares the fuck out of me) as well as the potential to make 30K+. right now that is unimaginalbe to me. it's funny it brings back a memory of my "father" trying to educate me when i was a young teenager. and i told him the 30K was a lot of money when he asked how much i wanted to make and what i was planning on doing to get that money and shit that i wasn't going to listen to because i had no fucking clue who this man was. and i still don't and still don't really listen to the "advice" he so dutifuly tries to had down because I guess it's his paternal duty. anyway rambling man. he laughed when i said it was a lot of money, but hello because i had lived most of my life with a grandmother who barely made 12K a year/welfare and a mom who made around 20K when i briefly lived with her, 30K is a hell of a lot of money to be making. And unfortunately, to me, it still is. i want a cigarette. argh. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* PICK UP SIX or PUS as i like to call it. okay one of my bandmates recently had a that's where a lot of the past issues were coming from. she also has a past with another member of the group and it's been rocky. so we are on the road to recovery. i am planning on asking everyone about what they want to get out of rehearsals and structures/procedures that they would like to see implemented. i think this could really work if people decided to really communicate with each other and not sulk and keep quiet and things. argh...yes eris i'm pissed at one of the three that i talk about all the time...i guess your corollation (argh how do you spell that?) is holding up. got a new arrangement of Time After Time from my friend Kit. Can't wait to true it. It's my favorite Cyndi Lauper tune, i use to sing with it like crazy when i was younger and even did this song as the first KARAOKE tune that i've ever performed.

9-23-98: you know, aint no use complaining.... this week is flying by and i haven't updated about everything yet. w00. i'm still reeling from this weekend and the new predicaments that have happened. I've placed my poetry journal on the web as well. read and let me know what you think. newest stuff first. WE HAVE A NAME FOR THE GROUP. Pick Up 6. pretty cool. okay, but trauma has been happening over the past couple of days that i can't go into here because of privacy issues. but stephanie and i had it out--but not really--and now we have a new understanding. i think that needs to happen with a lot of people in the group. apparently there needs to be some procedural changes. i'll think those over and get this group a rolling. argh. applying for another new job. outside of glaxowellcome. ALL COMPUTER WORK. eeks. but i could be making 33K plus benefits to begin. that made my coochie twitch. I'VE LOST THE VIDEO TO MY THESIS. ARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGH. that's all i can say about that without ripping this computer and myself to fucking shreds. ELMOS the diner. went with ed, jacq and darlyne. saw my friend joanne there who works there. she's a triangle person. lives in carrboro, works in durham and raleigh. egads. talked a lot about metaphysical stuff and the paranormal. can't tell if ed likes darlyne or jacq more. even though he has a girlfriend. i guess it never hurts to keep your flirt on. Green Man saturday we talked about "yoga session" while eating kentucky fried chicken. of course wade was at wellspring grocery park where we ate. I did not need to know that solomon once had an 1.42 yoga session. and of course all of the discussion was around jacq and mike and the dissolution of that relationship. if you need a yogic session 2 to 3 times a day. something is wrong with you. legends matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt though i'm not obbsessing about it as much as i would normally. okay here's the deal. ted, eris and i were talking and watching "tv" (a game where we sit on a bench outside and watch the people up against the wall and i tell eris what cable channel they would be on.) as it were...matt was standing against the wall smoking (okay okay he's a cross between homeshopping and the superstation)...and ted and i were talking about him. shirt undone. wait i'm having a moment. so anyway as we finish here he comes walking over. i thought he knew what we were saying and was going to deck me or something. but no. he's opening line was...."were you in a show?" having been in a show recently (you know that's what actors do hopefully, i asked him if he meant this summer and he said no awhile back about men on a camping trip and you danced around with your shirts (Ding Ding ding not I just so you don't get all grossed out or anything...i kept all my clothes on.) DANCING THE MEN'S MOVEMENT was a thesis production I did in either 93 or 94. I mean up to 5 years ago. he said he just wanted to tell me what a great job i did then and how much he enjoyed the performance. But the clincher is that he staid and talked then. for a long time. i have to stop now or this is going to get messy. ~~~**~~~~*~****~~~~**~~~~ <-- aren't those pretty. sunday was not well-rested because i didn't sleep saturday until after 5 am and I had to be at rehearsal by 1pm. masturbating is not easy when you're really tired. GREEN MAN i didn't do the rehearsal off book...but you know what. i know more of the script than I think I do...and the character is beginning to develop. Unfortunately, I'm getting praises again for doing work that I'm not really doing. It's becoming a habit with this company that I work for. Apparently, I'm much better than I think I am....but I can't let that go to my head at all. I need to trust in myself more. so was telling Jacq the story so she agreed to go out with me on saturday even though now our fucking schedule has been changed so that we have rehearsal on sunday starting at 10 AM...three hours earlier than normal. it's going to be hellacious. gotta try to work in jacq, nimnod, stalker and adonis

9-21-98 (WEEKEND REVIEW): HOTMAIL/ and other sundry things.

Hmmm, i don't even know where to begin this entry. This past weekend was probably the most wonderful, exhilarating, exhausting, emotionally scarred weekends that i've had in a really long time. ugh I wish i had a better word than really to use. i could almost be hyperbolic and a say decadenal... sorry. anyway a brief recap would be the only true way to relive that experience (and yes eris you were drunk as shit...but it wasn't a dream, omigod.) okay friday nite. I went back to rehearsal for the green man gets a hand for the first time. i got to see what everyone else had been doing for this past week. it was exciting and nerve-wracking at the same time. but i think i sailed through with some pretty decent work. So we got out of rehearsal early and i decided that jacq and i were going out. darlyne invited herself (which was good) and ed invited himself (which was good). sol tried to invite himself until we decided that we were going out in durham, because that's where most of us live here. so he opted out. whee! went to elmo's diner...and ate and's was a refreshing nite. <-- more later. saturday, had rehearsal at an ungodly hour that morning. damn damn damn. but you know i felt a lot better than i had at anyother rehearsal. wasn't as tired. good good runs. the show has actually come together rather quickly. it's amazing. sol decided to eat with us. during the break...of course wade was there. hm more here as well. saturday nite. i can't find my video for my thesis production. unnerving me a bit... but i shall prevail and find it. just gotta take some time. i wasn't going to go out saturday because i needed to look for the video. but then the panhandling incident happened. i am a stupid scared fuck. call eris she's getting drunk with her sister...i don't feel comfortable in my house so i decide LEGENDS HERE I COME. ooooo talked to my nimnod, and he was being as washy as ever and ennerving, but if he calls me, his legs are going you know where....;-P ted ted ted ted sweetie...too bad he's friends with my roommate. stalker was not there...argh. my friend chris was there...talked to him, he was on the prowl. watched some of eris and my "tv" and that's where's matt comes in. ooo matt. who knew that being in a show 5 years ago would bring him into my life. Sean Sasser how did you let this one go. sunday: the group has a name finally. we're called Pick Up 6! some problems and some not.

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