My Life is under construction

9-12-98: in a mellow tone AWW RIGHT. okay can i just say that tonight (oops) I mean last nite rocked all of gilbraltar. The group went to Jillian's like i said. it's horribly overpriced with a lot of yuppie raleigh couples trying to be hip. but they had mega cool games and we played an awful lot of them. NEWEST ENTRY: for the name game. JukeVox! I happen to love it love it love it but of course everyone isn't going to be happy. chris wasn't but hello, he'll deal. for the most part i wanted to dedicate this whole entry to stephanie bavarro. occassionally i have issues with the way stephanie phrases things. but she is a fucking laugh riot. i love her immensely. is that the correct spelling. she cracks me up. but before i go indepth on her. lessee, caren really really really wants to get me a job. she offered me an interview for this mid30k position. it would be the casse manager trainee for this workman's comp company. i've decided not to pursue that. it's a great opportunity yet it is so far from the field that i want to pursue and who knows what i'll actually be doing. i'm staying with my not as cushy glaxowellcome job. but she's going to keep looking. lance is married to a methodist preacher. and is playing the househusband. he does have a computer (2 in fact) just no internet access. sux to be him. but you know it's telling. he wasn't that bad tonight. i realize if i don't talk to him, i'm okay. chris as jen put it, is just weird boy. his girlfriend is beautiful and very nice. apparently i saw him in concert with the clef invitational way back during the can't stop days. i have to see if i have that concert on tape. i think i do. i saw jen at the Sam I Am, lorelei jam way back. small world. she's nice nice. i think i'm going to enjoy becoming her friend. We're going to try to find an arrangement of roll that stone away. whee. we really really need another bass. do you fit the bill. come to north carolina. please okay...stephanie is simply amazing...she's loud, very confident in herself and fun to be around. in ways she's fulfilling my stephanie m. kick. same attitude but with different avenues of expression. see i can invest time in getting to know her...unlike some other pushy broad that i don't need to know. that was for you eris. okay apparently she and caren have been discussing my attractiveness. they are planning on cutting my hair and shaving off my goatee (or at least trimming it a lot). it's nice to know that people care...but it's very odd knowing the people are talking about you in that way. oh here's what i left out of the earlier entry that cracked me up about stephanie: wednesday nite as we were leaving her house and stuff...i always stay afterward and talk to caren and stephanie. anyway she asked me what kind of shirt i was wearing...what do they call that style were her exact words. and she had placed her hand on my chest. so i said "gayboy" very nonchalantly. she squeezed my ample breast and started laughing hysterically. she then quipped...then i think we should call the group gayboy and the honkies. w0000000000! that had me rolling. i told the rest of the group that comment tonight. she was slightly embarassed...and we laughed like crazy. as well, she bought about $20 worth of tokens for us to play video games. i think i'm still a bit nauseous from the waterski jumping. how can you not love her. she's the best. now if she just wasn't so vocal about not liking to double up on parts. she'd be fantastic. so, give me your hands...if we be friends...and robin shall restore amends. nite nite.
9-11-98: the real deal, yo! okay i wanted to discuss two things in yesterday's entry and now i'm going to briefly discuss three things because i really couldn't go back and create what had been written before. auto accident on wednesday. left from work to go home and pick up cds for rehearsal. really excited because chris is staying in the group. leaving home because i wanted to be on time to rehearsal (go me) and was driving down the street. i saw this man about to do an illegal u-trun. though he said that he was turning left. yeah right. cop comes. fucking idiot. the guy has slammed into me on the left side. cop asks us if we want to file a report. you bet your sweet ass. no citations given because he said he couldnt prove fault. anyway. whatever. in know if that if i being a black male had rammed into the drivers side of this white man's car. wonder who would still be sitting in jail right now. yep. you betcha. so i'm driving the protege now. i like., but it'll be good to have LANCE back. oh mi fucking god. i have to change the name of my car. details later. rehearsal: still don't have a nem for the group. down to muhnuh mahmah, previously recorded, asked to leave ...and a new entry. FULL SCORE. can you tell which one i'm now most partial too? it went well. well . well. better than i had imagined. because i was late..the accident you know. we didn't really follow my schedule. but i can deal with that. this group sang Face In the Crowd, like no other group i've ever been in. i was truly amazed. we still need work, but damn that was highly impressive. especially since this was the first time we were singing it. i don't have the words for the praise i wanted to give them. song list for the no name group. and this entry is devoid of real formatting because i'm tired and my eyes hurt. damnnit.
  1. Face in the Crowd: tekay
  2. Java Jive: chris, tekay, caren, steph
  3. Longest Time: lance
  4. Only You: lance trio: tekay, caren
  5. Still of the Nite: tekay
  6. Yesterday
on the list to do next is operator and seven bridges road. and then i have to start on holiday music. so anyway still not liking lance. won't go into details because that would take up 5k more than i'm willing to devote to this entry. suffice it to say...he's not extremely friendly in terms of wanting to hang out (in fact he basically said as much in a conversation during business) and he has a sucky country voice that i can't stand. so that's part of the reason why i have to rename my car. i know part of my karma with the accident had to do with the fact that i strongly dislike a person named lance. i was on my way to see this person and my car's named lance. she'll find a new name and let me know what it is when she's ready (yes my saturn is a she with the name lance, you got a problem with that). the group is going to jillian's tonight. (friday) i hope it's fun. it's near legends. w00 i wish i had time to party but fuck me i have to be at Duke tomorrow morning at 8am. this shit is tiring...but i could really use the money....especially if i have to go to court soon. ugh ugh ugh. i don't like smoking as much as i use to. i'm down to a couple of cigs a week. i have to get another pack today because the others are in lance at the moment. the job interview went okay. the deprtment is small and it's international so the crux of my work is between 8am and noon. that's a problem for me...but if i get the job, i can handle it. the supervisor is flaky and the coworker seems to have a chip on her shoulder. she had a very gruff exterior and some of the body language i read was negative in general. i hope she didn't have a problem in the fact that i'm african american. that would be tragic. so i'm gonna talk to caren tonite to see about getting a real job through her company. i think that i had something else that i wanted to say here but for the life of me i have no clue. argh. argh. you know how that can get sometimes. i'll be back i'm sure.
i know what it is now. yesterday i mused about the fact that how differnet my life has changed with the past two groups i was in and the one that i cared the most about so far because it was collegiate a cappella and nothing beats the feeling of being in a collegiate group. well my sentiment was now i was being begged to sing lead on certain songs and i couldn't get a solo to save my life after i was in Tar Heel Voices that first year. what a difference maturity level and years and respect make. I still hate those people who kicked me out of THV...but i can never hate the group or those good memories that I had. I still try to suck up to a lot of people who have done me wrong in the past. but you know what. I don't need them at all. They will come begging to me before i ever stoop to that level again. if those fuckers don't realize what a valuable person i am, then I don't need to be bothered with them and they can just suffer. my mental and emotional health will be all the better for this realization. i know some of you may be out there thinking...:well why the hell does it matter." well it matters to me because for most of my life i depended on the acceptance of others. i did not consider my own self-worth unless i was being judge by some one else who approved of what i was doing. I had none of my own merit to go one. yes it's pathetic. i placed a lot of my self-esteem into the hands of these people...some who knew of the power they had over me, and others oblivious even today. and that above statement isn't saying that I'm not still doing it to a certain extent...but i'm at least aware of the signs now that it's happening. and I can do something about it if I so choose. That's the major difference with this problem that I have. It's only a problem if i see it as one. capice?! okay when I learn how to do sidebars and stuff...this site is going to rock. i promise you. oh...and it's funny how this guy name CHUCK DICK--tee hee. writes haiku on his site that has the title a cappella. haiku is my favorite written form of poetry...and as you can tell i'm all into some a cappella. i need to get new albums. i think i'm going to B&N now. and then to Jillians. mwah. have a great weekend everybody.
9-10-98: tripod sucks, and i'm a dick
okay the stuff i just took an hour to type is now gone. so there is no entry for today. i'm going to handwrite it out and then post it later tonight or tomorrow...i don't want to see this fucking computer anymore right now. aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggghhh! there should not be a fucking reset button on the screen. nor tab functions. it's idiotic. i want to cry right now. it was such a great entry. i have a headache.
9-9-98:ooooooo chile, i'm too much
okay, still haven't gotten the total layout of this yet. i don't know if it's going to be a daily current thing up here or weekly. i sorta perfer weekly. mail me if you really give a care. HOT DAMN I HAVE AN INTERVIEW TOMORROW! okay got a call for an interview for the sr admin spec position in the hr communications department of R&D. i'm thrilled i tell ya. oooo please pray that they'll except my limitations and funky scheduling. CHRIS is very cool. and he's going to stay in the group. he really is looking for something different in the terms of music style that we are to sing. but until he can come up with some arrangements, he's relegated himself to being in the group and singing the songs that we have. and he has a sexy voice. but you know what. too anglo and completely hetero. so oh well. I still love lisa barnard a lot. I'm no longer "in love" with her which is a good thing. I still don't like it when she talks about Keith (who is really good lucking) but hey. i'll get over it. I still can't begin to describe this past weekend. so i just have to do it in bits and pieces. long drive on friday, but it was really worth it. i enjoyed being with my mom more than i thought i would...this is the first trip that we've EVER taken together. wow. and my cousin mildred (who is 62 years old<-- my god she doesn't look it) is a laugh riot. smooth trip all the way. Why do i have so many gorgeous LIGHT SKINNED relatives. I mean there was this one man who was 56 (and no you wouldn't know cousin mildred) thought he was in his late 30s at the oldest. I mean I think my mom and I both wanted him badly. it was very very said. Good thing I got over my incest issues a long time ago. the cousin who works for DreamWorks is a Unix programmers and webdesigner. it was funny as hell having people tell me all nite that i need to meet him he works for spielberg blah blah blah. yep, his connections and a bucket o chicken will get you () many film auditions. WHY THE FUCK DOES A FORMER STUDENT OF MINE HAVE A SERIES ON SHOWTIME. george gaffney. remember that name. hopefully he'll get fired off LINC's (with Pam Grier no less) just like he did off of Dawson's Creek. am i evil? I should be lifting my brotha up. but silly me is into petty jealousy. went out in columbus by myself. eris found that intriguing as did i. i had two goals for the nite.
  1. that i would dance near/with someone i found hot at this club: male/female.
  2. that i would bum a cigarette off of someone; maybe start a conversation.
i did both before the nite was over. so whereas i didn't feel completely great about the events and stuff. i didn't do my recent sit and watch other people have a good time while i'm wallowing in self-pity either. REALIZATION: you are the only person who can make yourself happy. if you are lonely you put yourself there and are the only person who can change that fact. Nuff said. i'm trying to change the way i'm approaching life. there is more that i want to say, but i have to leave now if i'm going to make it to rehearsal on time. later. i am feeling jubilant.
9-8-98: what the hell am i doing? okay so this is a foray into a new level of html creativity. so please bear with me. i haven't eaten today so i'm a little low on my sugars. i may go into chapel hill and do some more on this page later. i have a lot to talk about this weekend, but i really can't concentrate on anything at this moment. i applied for two new jobs today. yay for me. joining some webrings. i'm a sucker for attention. i promise there will be some revelations. to leave you with this succlent morsel. "you really shouldn't sleep with you mom." it's not comfortable at all. later.

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