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The NillaPages


My Life is under construction


MAMANILLA IS DEAD.

for a while....i've gotten rid of her. But she'll be back.
okay this is for the quick facts section that I'll develop later...but i just wanted you guys to know this about me. you know I'm an aquarian I mean how could you not know that about me. But my rising sign is aries. Fire and Air.... hmmmmm. and this is my IQ. Seems to be on target. I remember doing these tests when i was younger and getting that score. exactly. wow

click what i think of/about you for exactly that.


9-4-98: can i stop sleeping now?
allrite. last nite i had the weirdest dream, but i also need to talk about what happened. well "no name" met for the 2nd time last nite, but it was like the first time for real though. chris and i were late getting there do to traffic on davis. tension was already in the air. each of us wanted something different but didn't know where to start or to begin the process of forming a new group everyone had their own ideas and no one wanted to share that knowledge with anyone else. so i was leading warm-ups when chris walked in. i freaked because we hadn't officially establishhed anything because like i said chris and i don't talk. and i know that there are people in the group who don't like to do warmups and then i'm a warmup overkiller because i run things into the ground when people are ready to move on. i just don't happen to know when to stop and that really gets me into some tight situations as were experienced las nite. so we move on to the music because everyone is wanting to sing. i would have actually rather sat down and get to know these people--which apparently what stephanie and caren had thought would be a good idea as well just know one decided to tell anyone else about it. i had beat this one blending exercise into the ground and tension was getting high. argh argh argh. i mean i wasn't the only one causing stress at all...people were being bitchy and loudmouthed and just the level of negatism really irked me. i wanted to fix everything and make it all better. arent' i sweet. so we sang Yesterday over and over and over again (like i said i can run things into the ground) but it's actually sounding pretty good: even the "negro-like" parts. Though we sound nothing like Boys2men, i not as ashamed of sing the syncopated parts as i was before rehearsal last nite. and again everyone had something to say about what was going on and so people were talking over one another. we are still just trying to gel and i think only a few people have realized that. i was hesistant about talking bout it at the next rehearsal, but now i think i have too. so we break and you can cut the anomosity in the air with a butter knife. okay i think chris is going to quit, but maybe not. he said something that upset caren in that way. so butterflies and snailshit needs to get worked out pronto. we talk business and then i pass out new music. i thought that was going to go better. we were going to sing through the longest time because those are the audition songs hence the songs we know and that caused a rift cause some want to drop it and others think we need to have it in the rep since we know nothing else. But i've learned that if i put my foot down people listen. sometimes people just want to be told what to do. so now i know. but yeah, i think we need to sit down and discuss the roles and expectations of everyone in the group. i mean warmups were bad. damn. and so then i pick in the still of the nite to sing as the first new song. easy arrangement. but chris wanted to do it in a different key. to many people speaking asking what to do so we all ended up getting frustrated again. and so we'll try it next week. ack ack ack. people don't know how to communicate. i know that for a fact. eris and these problems that she's having with our phone conversations is a good example. i guess she doesn't realize that sometimes i just need to hear the sound of her voice to make my day complete and it really doesn't matter what we are talking about, whether it is routine or out of some sort of obligation. anyway off track. so we're going to restart next weekend. i'll talk to chris on monday and life will be good again. because caren stephanie and i talked about it afterward (which is where i found out a lot of this information) i dont want this to turn into another ACCIDENTAL thing with people talking behind each others back--though i'm really good at doing that. so let's see how this cookie crumbles. name suggestions: if you have any that you would like to add please me.
6 eastern 8 misbehavin the fruit juicies sea rock city previously recorded asked to leave skippa beat Muhnuh Manah (doot doo dee doo doo)

so onto this damn dream this this entry was supposed to be about. well i'm sitting here waiting for my mom to call so that we can leave for ohio--not doing the briefs like i had planned and kinda in a funk. so the dream: it was amazingly great and yet freaky all at the same time. eris and i (naturally) were at this hotel. we were coming from somewhere but i don't remember and we were going to stop by Stokes' don't ask me why Stokes was in my dream, but he was. i don't even know how we knew it was his room, but it was all good. so anyway, we stop by his room and his door was open. so we go in and shout stokes. but it almost looks like he's moved out. so we sit down and eris gets on the fon. so i go over to the bathroom door and i hear the shower running and think (oh he must be in the shower) so i sit and wait for him to come out (hee haw). so stokes comes out and looks at us with the like what are you guys doing here. and eris was like well i was fixin to call my mom if you didn't hurry up and bring your ass out of that bathroom. he was like "you guys could have called first" (to make sure he was still there). but i was thinking--now why would we have your telephone number. so he kinda lounged around in his towel while we were all chatting. and then i think some other people started coming over because he was getting ready to go out with some other friends. so eris and i walked out into the lobby of the floor that then we decided to have a party right there (i think this is in reference to her birthday being yesterday and all.) so i throw this phat-ass party for her. people start coming out of the woodworks (i think stokes has left at this point in time or he is no longer important to the storyline...who knows) so there are people everywhere and it's really ghetto and i'm enjoying it (who me enjoying being around other black people...see i told you it was a weird dream) but it was a great mix of people. there was a dj spinning in the middle of the floor. so we're walking around and stuff. and then some other people **i think it might have been some cliquey bitches maybe stephanji and the sub-claque but they were like a group of people. you know how you do in your dreams. well anyway. they then decided that they wanted to go to IHOP or some place of that nature if you know what i am talking about. and they are going to drive eris. i have to stay to clean up the place and make sure that everyone leaves. so i'm fine i'll meet you guys there in a few minutes. so we're walking and i pull the plug out of the wall and say "oops" well i guess it's time for you guys to go home. so everyone's leaving because i suddenly have on my tekaybitch[tm] attidude but it's the funny one. so people leave and then i start thinking "hey, i don't know which [] they went to, damn how am i going to find them. and then i start smelling smoke and am like wtf? so i'm cleaning an looking around and i see this misty cigarette burning in the leather upholstery. like everyone vanished when i said get so all their stuff is still there but no people. so i pick it up and start smoking (i haven't been smoking for a week so it had to pop up in a dream.) and then i look and there's another and another. and i put these three in my mouth and then.... the dream's over and i wake up. Weird huh? well my mom just called and we're off to ohio. peace out.
9-3-98: so you say you want a revolution!
eris: in her virgoian way noticed that i was fucking with time and had entered the date incorrectly. i stand corrected. happy birthday baby. so today aint gonna be the day that i promised it was going to be. still leaving for the family reunion, but not till noon tomorrow. i'll try to get a little more excited about it. not wanting to go to rehearsal tonight because of a million other things to do. but hello. gotta go, that would look bad wouldn't it since i scheduled it today. lalalalala. work is stressful because of a stupid bitch in sweden, she hasn't done anything right regarding this conference that my boss is attending in stockholm. the hotel reservation is wrong and their office closed today EARLY and she didn't call me or anything. I'm freaking out. and my desk is a mess. so... breathe again. gotta do these news briefs for the CAN, but i really just don't feel like it. but they will get done. and gotta copy the music for rehearsal and come up with an agenda because i don't think Chris is going to do it. Hmmm, how come he can talk to everyone else and not me. i'm not liking this at all. maybe he really doesn't want to be the music director. anyway i'm going to take the bull by the horns and get my shit together within the next four hours or there will be much hell to pay and my bank account is empty. i'm a freak of nature. have fun kiddies in new york and whereever you are. mom's playing historian now for the family...she takes on too much as well. i've learned my packratness from her...and the overcommittment stuff. argh...and to think she wasn't even around me when i was growing up. i guess some things are just genetic. later.
9-2-98: I Make Me a Promise
I am going to make me and you here a promise. I want to write about positive stuff in my life as well. all around these webjournals are windows into the pessimistic and sometimes pathetic lives of those who wish to create them. sometimes you need to see the light in your life. no it's not all a bed of roses...but the goodtimes outweigh the bad. so i've got lots on my mind and no time whatsoever (that i chose for myself, no bitchin and complaining) but i just wanted to let you know this. I was reading A Swiftly Twilting Planet again last nite...and I cried. Madeline L'Engle is amazing. no other writer can really truly compare. there is joy in sadness as well. hmmm and yes i was late to the patient exam last nite...but not tonight.
8-31-98: I'm late, what else is new?
snips and snails okay thoughts to remember this week. i still need to go through my cds and see what that motherfucker stole. argh. then i'll hit the pawn shops to see if i can find them or buy others. tapes tapes tapes....i supposedly have a million coming to me and of course none of them are here yet. sue, jenben, alex, jennpease,joci, brad, alley, josh (but that's okay), sally, karen, michelle, and raquel are just the people that I remember owe me stuff. puckism from sat nite: mekaleka hi mekahiney ho! the director thought that it was the best one yet. Whee go me go me. so i used it again. it was a really great show....dark dark dark though. 650 people in the audience. woo. watched 12th nite last nite. paul rudd, nude hottie. of course friends are going to philly and nyc and i have to go to ohio. can i bitch about that some more. lots of negroes and alcohol. laff fucking riot. okay found out more lyrics ot UNIVITED. eris is supposed to send me a url that has the whole song on it. i wanna know what she's singing. ipswitch galore. he's trying to be nice but then said some shit last that i could have konked his head for. we won't go there right now. okay. i'm late for my patient call. gotta go. mwahs

I have an obsessive/compulsive disorder which can get me in trouble. oh well.

and i'm going to use it today or tomorrow.

continuing the journey


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