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MAMANILLA IS DEAD.

for a while....i've gotten rid of her. But she'll be back.
okay this is for the quick facts section that I'll develop later...but i just wanted you guys to know this about me. you know I'm an aquarian I mean how could you not know that about me. But my rising sign is aries. Fire and Air.... hmmmmm.

8-21-98: bird splats...

i'm too fucking pissed to format this page correctly today. god damn it. all to hell you
fucking tripod shit.

anyway.

hit a fucking pigeon.  big woop!
had fun with eris at k&w

i know she's upset that i won't be going to philly for closing weekend.

i made the decision (with the help of a director)

i'm playing penn in  the green man gets a hand
that will be green when i find my color wheel.

supporting role.

$700

hmmmm, i know won't have a free weekend until november.

baltimore anyone?

i really can't write anymore.  i had this nice long entry and mishit the mousekey
and the screen changed. and when you are writing out your code. every time the screen changes
it's basically like reloading the page...so whatever you dont have saved.

vanishes.


good nite.  have a great weekend.

off to farte some more.


8-20-98: 0~and i am so ORDINARY~0

I've came to the realization last nite that all I want to be is important. I really don't think that it matters what I'm doing --professionally or socially--but just the idea that I really matter. No, I'm not going back to my days of "needing approval of others to value self-worth. " It's something vastly different from that and yet it's all very much related to that idea. I want to know that people listen to me and value what I am saying. I want to know that I am making a difference in the world and am having an impact on people's lives, hopefully positive. This want has become the reasoning of why I say, do and believe most things. I guess that's why the cliquey bitch list means so much to me. I'm not going to try to explain it any further than that. and to quote this guy in the ratm newsgroup "so i'm an elitist. there are several names much worse than that that I could be called." we're cliquey and we're bitchy, which word didn't you understand? Off to Puckinate..... tonight is heighchi, mychi chaka kahn nite. So I took a test and look what I find out about myself today. I'm an ENFP so this was an interesting site to read about myself.

8-19-98: Mirror, Mirror on the wall

Okay how do good-looking people stand to be around themselves all day? I mean if I were hot, I think that i would be in the mirror 24-7. But maybe I'm just naturally narcissistic. Who knows.
Welp, I got my signature sheet back today. Two weeks before it is officially official. I need someone to read over it one more time to make sure that all of my syntax and grammar items are correct. any volunteers? later.
8-19-98:Stomping at the Savoy
I was pissed as hell yesterday. NO! I don't have to move, yes i'm fucking content in North Carolina right now, I don't have family all over the goddamn country who will bail me out of a jam every fucking time i get a damn boo-boo. So I have to plan when that shit happens to me. I'm glad your bougey ass can do all the artistic things that you want to do and fail at and that your mother and father will be there to pay your car payment, car insurance, rent and feed you. i'm sorry the man who fucked you and then when you got the abortion slapped your ass silly. and now you want him back in your life? sorry i can't drag my ass to see you every fucking time to meet you beck and call. But i got the fuck you on the phone yesterday from said she. She's not happy that people aren't coming to her gigs and stuff. And without people around her to support her and tell her she's god's gift to the artistic community. She can't simply continue by herself and alone. So I say grow the fuck up and get another fucking vocation if you can't do it by yourself. THE ONLY person you have to support and count on is yourself. and if you can't handle the shit alone, then stop doing it and settle down and be like the 500 million negroes who don't get what they want handed to them and so have to complain to somebody who doesn't really give a damn and end up doing it on their own anyway. Especially when you are trash talking the person who you so desparately want love and support and friendship from. Yeah, that makes me want to run to your side and be there for you. "ive got enuff friends like that...i don't need anymore."
anyway...moving about in the office is why i haven't updated. new cubicle, hideous space, but i get to buy a new lamp (expense accounts are great). first rehearsal is next week for my new singing group. This hopefully will be a good thing. caren commented on lyle as being "highly dramatic." I laughed a good laff at that one. had brush up for midsummer last nite, and i saw some of my fraternity brothers. that was a good thing. we went back to kurt's room and watched the REAL WORLD. that was a pretty good episode. glad stephan and janet are getting along better. kurt's going to have mad issues by the middle of the semester. apparently his roommate is bisexual... but he is a total fuckingHOTTIE. I mean I literally had to sit in front of his bed on the floor (he was lying on top of (shirtless i might add) watching the television) so that i wouldn't stare at him the whole nite. I mean I know he's probably 12, but damn he had me twirling. and if you asked me to describe him right now or to pull him out of a line up of men--I couldn't do it. I killed another roach last nite. that makes two. superleroy was back--but ipswitch prevailed. here lizard lizard. good nite all.

8-14/15/16/-98: When it Rains it pours!
To sum up my weekend. I should have known that too many good things were happening for me. Okay so well, I still have the itch, but otherwise things are going okay. having fun with a show, not to terribly pissed off at anyone. Though I was supposed to respond to something on josh's sassafrass but of course i can't remember what it is now. other than i think you're talking about me, but i don't want to get all superstar and think that everyone is talking about me all the time. that's all i had to say about the matter. if i did hurt you, i'm sorry, but i not sure what in a myriad of things you got upset about. but i'm sure someone will eventually clue me in.
so this is the recap for it:
Three shitty things happened to me over the weekend and they are connected. so i was robbed friday nite in front of my house. not me personally (luckily i was able to get into the house before the guy did anything to me) but my car was ransacked. no problem. The crook took my signed TLS cast recording along with about $300 worth of CDs, my checkbook, my bootleg bag and a nice leather backpack. In my bootleg bag was a stash from the last dc show that i saw. boo hoo. so on saturday, after helping eris move and freezing my bank account. three traffic accidents make me miss my call for the Commeida that I'm doing. I arrive at the show in time to go on, but the director was already in costume and really wanted to go on in my role (go figure). It's the first time in 11 years of performing on stage that I have ever missed a performance. It was the weirdest and most disappointing moment I've had in a long long time. argh.

i felt bad, eris felt bad, my director didn't feel bad and is over it. We got rained out yesterday after doing the first act. Start brush tomorrow for midsummer. i have five more shows (IN ALL) to do for this summer. i'm going to miss these folks. But guess what, i'm not going to left myself get depressed. so la! um, I read some stuff from eris's aveeno and it was like she had taken the words out of my mouth. i think that this is the first time ever that i have not felt excited about the new school year approaching. I want to tell all those new fucks walking all in the street of my beloved city to get the fuck out and to stay the hell where you came from. i just want to run all over them, but not really. but i was really just upset with the world of chapel hill last nite when i saw the hundreds of thousands of freshmen that were swarming all over town and trying to get into every frat house that was having a back to school blast. WHY DID CHRIS HAVE A BOOTY CALL LAST NITE WITH TONYA okay that was just really needed to get said. anyway my friend chris is moving out to CA on wednesday to go to graduate school (in acting). he said that he was going to keep in touch with me after he moves. we'll see if that happens. all right. new week new NillaPage so we're off to see what this week has in store. love you.

I have an obsessive/compulsive disorder which can get me in trouble. oh well.

and i'm going to use it today or tomorrow.

continuing the journey


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