The NillaPages

My Life is under construction



for a while....i've gotten rid of her. But she'll be back.

8-14-98: howdy!
lisa This is lisa. This is not my former roommate lisa but a whole nother lisa all together. Lisa is a spitfire. Other than nimnod she was the last major crush that I've had in my life. I don't know why i wanted to tell you people this, but I guess i really really really felt like sharing. I'm glad that lisa is my friend. She has a wonderful and powerful voice that I hope that one day she will be able to control well. the current incantation has vibrato from hell. but if we can work all that out, she could become a major recording persona. Welp, the show opened last nite. the house was small and that was a little depressing but show-wise it was great. a couple of older people left and told the usher that it was blashphemous and gross we couldn't have paid for a better comment than that. So we'll see how the rest of the run goes. my kathy is back in town. though i've decided that I'm going to call her Reena. she had a wonderful time interning at Steppenwolf (sp?) and probably has a job there when she graduates. I'm very very proud of her. we talked a lot last nite again it was all such a chilling time. found out that we were both extremly fond of Weekend in the Country, and Every Day a little Death from Sondheim's A Little Night Music. o~and you hardly feel a thing, every day a little death~o. that's me in a nutshell...hey look im in a nutshell.
i hate mike and wade when they are drunk. they were drunk last nite. it's ridiculous. won't even go into how *BOHE they are sometimes. oh well. i don't know what else to talk about because i should be working. moving at work, boss is being a sometimey prick. People from work came to see the show last nite quite by accident, but it was great seeing them. some friends that i haven't seen in a long time were also there. members of the nippy generation. shout out to tiffany, isa, josh t, chad, marcus, theresa, and jasme, oh and sunny.
*Bastardization of Human Existence. No, I'm not very fond of them.

8-13-98: Tomorrow for me!
Don't ask me why, but i'm in a much better mood today that i have been in the past couple of weeks. It's amazing. I'm not really bored or depression or any of my nine other afflictments, that I normally have. Went out with my director last nite to my second fav bar in town. The Dead Mule Club. and we had a fucking blast. ate some quiche, smoked some cigs, drank some cider and talked about the show and people. She's really worried because she has nothing else to occupy her time at the moment and it's driving her insane. plus her period is her so she's been touchy lately. it was just so cathartic. talked about her and my issues with Wade and what was great was that Wade showed up after a while and we kept talking about him, but he didn't know it. sometimes i feel so sorry for him, because he obviously wants to be liked, but sometimes he just tries to hard. and if you think i'm answerman[tm]...damn you should see him in action. egads, it's scary. she boosted my ego. apparently, i and this other guy John Rice (total hottie except for a few minor flaws) were the two most sought after actors for the summer festival. John and I were the trade offs for the two shows (he's playing Helios:Helena in Midsummer and John in skull treasure pirate mountain island) so he got to be in skull and i'm in the commedia. that did make me feel good...though wade was right tere and i know he was digging the praise. oh well.
I'm not even going to talk anymore about the stuff from yesterday. this is a new time for me. i must get out of this funk. So i'm going to put some entries here that i want everyone to think about. and write me if you want to talk about anything that i've put up here. YES, I MISS ERIS...but not as much this time as i have in the past. hmm. I really want to put this stuff in stay tuned...i have to go copy some source. w00 doggie.
all text taken from E. Lynn Harris' JUST AS I AM
God only gets made at us when we come down here and pretend to be something we're not. That really pisses him off.
We won't agree on everything, raymond; If we did, one of us would be unnecessary.
You know so many people go through life without ever knowing true friendship. We spend our lives trying to find someone to love us, or to love what we want them to think we are. But true friends accept you for you and that my friend is a joy. A joy I would have never known had I not met you. Don't you feel sorry for the people who never experience the joy of true friendship?

8-12-98: Depression is an evil thing
I just needed to write this in a new font. I found some new fonts. okay, yesterday i was depressed as hell. and i came to realize this for two reasons. 1)death and 2) complacency.... i wanted to write this big profound (insert title of my journal here which i don't have so if you would like to help a brother out by offering some suggestions then by all means mail me. so that was a nice tangent. about why i was having all of these issues with myself and what those two subjects meant. but of course i didn't have the time (yeah right, like i'm working) no that just goes back to the procrastination troll that has a hold on me as well. so here's the basic synopsis of those two elements that are the cause for all my mood swings and depressive episodes with my friends. DEATH: okay, i realized over the weekend how much my grandmother really does mean to me. i mean i've said this to myself before but i'm really not sure what's going to happen to me when she dies. She is my ground, my rock of gibraltar. if it weren't for her, i really probably would be dead or strung out on 75 million different drugs. Yes, i'm keeping my sexuality from her and am basically waiting for her DEATH so that i can tell the rest of the family (though now i'm not as sure that i could care less if they cared one way or the other-- that is no longer true.) tangent again. Anyway, my grandmother has 6 grandchildren...three of us are bastards (guess which i am). anyway the youngest bastard was sharing a conversation with mama ida.
mama: (she's 75) when you get to be a big boy, cause i'm getting older, i'm going to have you drive me around. ybas: (he's 6) but mama ida, when i get to be a big boy you'll be dead.
WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT ALL ABOUT! i would have punched the shit out of him right then and there (a reason i'm not having children). even though she admitted it was probably true (she's afraid of dying) it visible upset here. so we laughed. (that's what we do when were upset.)
i really don't want to think about this anymore. argh.
Complacency i think i'm becoming complacent, and that is why i'm depressed a lot. i have a fucking masters degree and i'm working as a temp secretary in north carolina. people tell me to leave, but i don't know where to go, i can't just up and go to nyc even it that is where i wanted to live. i need some sort of foundation...and unfortunately i don't have the type of parents who will let me go off and make mistakes in my life and be able to bail me out. i and when i fuck up, i better have the means or wherewithall to get the hell out of it, i will cease to exist. and this has led me to not be daring or try really new things. I'm too scared. complacent. i have a pretty good life here, even though i'm not really doing what i want to be doing, and don't ask me because i really don't know what that is. I mean i want to be in the ARTS for real, that is the only thing that i can see myself doing for a long period of time where i want get tired and burnt out. or get frustrated and stop trying which is when i start to goof off and end up doing webpages at work instead of working and the cycle continues. But the arts for me plays too heavily on my color issue (and we'll have to go into that way way later). i fear failure and rejection which is why i don't date and have this continued obsession over the only person who's deigned themselves to have some sort of sex with me. ::yeah tear forming here--cry me a fucking river:: and to be in a relationship with said person would be the utter form of complacency. nimnod is boring as hell... anyway. i feel like a sap, even though i know i'm not for the most part. i'll have to finish this later...i'm off to the final dress for the commedia. people saw it last nite and laughed at a lot of stuff. so i'm not so worried now. oh well. mwah.

8-7/8-9-98: Can I get a witness?
oh my my i'm pissed on friday because i wait around 3 more hours before i leave for home, because my coworker (i promised to take her home because her car broke down. and no it's not eris..but she is a black woman. hmmmm) infiltration.
anyway, she's got a new car on friday. argh, not hers yet, but i didn't need to stay around. and i also didn't get my sig paper turned in on time. but that was my fault. c'est la vie.
Here's a fav saying of mine: Why do I have to get put out becase X wants some dick?! well it happened again friday nite... Moms are so strange sometimes.
Saw my sister and the baby on saturday. beautiful. very exotic looking. full head of jetblack straight hair (my family has natural red highlights) and the longest fingers i've ever seen on a baby. LONG!
but she's my niece and as eris pointed out...she's mine and that makes her more special. argh i hate it when she's right.
see some members of my family. they are still jones for me to get married or something. one of these days, I really need to tell them something..... but maybe i need to tell myself first.
the tabloids check this shit out. beks melli and alley. whoo the drama.
i took some personality tests and will upload those later. Sunday saw skull treasure pirate mountain island again. it was a much much better show this time around. We began tech for commedia on monday. whee doggie. I learned last nite that I'll be singing a few refrains of Bohemian Rhapsody. hmmmmm.
later later later

I have an obsessive/compulsive disorder which can get me in trouble. oh well.

and i'm going to use it today or tomorrow.

continuing the journey

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